Herald and Journal Herald & Journal, May 25, 1998

History with a young viewpoint


One of the joys of the 1997-98 TV season was the return of "Kids Say the Darndest Things," a popular segment of Art Linkletter's House Party from over 30 years ago. The show's current host is Bill Cosby, who also has a talent for interviewing kids.

I've run across some more cases of kids and their strange outlook on things. Such as:

"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark.

The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They traveled by Camelot. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

Nero was cruel tyrant who tortured his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who died from an overdose of wedlock.

Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw. The Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.

Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull.

Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh invented cigarettes, and Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Queen Elizabeth's navy defeated the Spanish Armadillo. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were the Nina, Pinta and the Santa Fe.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Benjamin Franklin invented electricity by rubbing cats backward. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln's mother died in infancy. He signed the Emasculation Proclamation. In 1865, Lincoln got shot by an actor in a moving picture. His name was John Wilkes Booth. This ruined Booth's career.

Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticed in autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

Bach and Handel were famous composers. Handel was half-German, half-Italian and half-English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven was so deaf that he wrote loud music. He expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers."

All of these historical facts originated from kids. None were made up. Who said history was boring?

I've always wondered . . . can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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