Herald Journal Columns
March 18, 2002

Kids say (and do) the darnedest things


I was cracking up the last couple weeks when our editor, Lynda Jensen, was telling us about the silly things her kids have been up to lately. You may have read about them in her column. They have some great imaginations.

It seems everywhere I turn these days, I hear of all these cute, funny kid stories that are way too good to not share. Everyone likes a good kid-story, right?

I have a couple good ones:

Maddy the Mischievous

My 4-year-old niece two Christmases ago swore up and down that her baby brother was the perp who opened a Christmas present with her name on it.

The present was wrapped under the tree along with several others. Oddly enough, the only present "he" opened had Maddy's name on it.

To this day, she swears that her brother, who was approximately one month old at the time, was the naughty kid who did it.

I think by now, she truly believes in her heart that he did it. Nothing her parents have said has convinced her to say otherwise.

Allison the Angel

Allison, the 3-year-old daughter of some friends of ours, has always been a hilarious kid. She says some great things, which make her parents roll their eyes sometimes.

Her latest fiasco, her dad tells us, is that she is attempting to torture her seven-and-a-half-months pregnant mom.

Any woman will tell you that at the end of pregnancy, the hardest thing to do is to bend down. Forget painting toenails and tying shoes. I know of a woman who, literally, wore slippers all the time because tying was such a difficulty for her.

It's not surprising when you think about the physics of it - having a watermelon strapped to your midsection - that pregnant women prefer to stay fully vertical or fully horizontal, with no in-betweens.

Well, Allison has also figured this out, because when her mom wants her to do something that she doesn't want to do, she lays down flat on the floor where she can't get her.

Ingenious! That girl's going to go places if she already is understanding the laws of physics!

Mitch the Mysterious

My own son, Mitch, has kept me rolling for most of the 8 years of his life. He has truly been a funny kid to have. I have so many stories about him that I have to pick my favorites.

I think my all-time favorite Mitch story was when he was about 3 years old. We were wrestling around when he looked me straight in the eye with his most challenging face, put up his dukes, bounced his fists off his chest, and said "You wanna piece of me!?"

I cracked up, and needless to say, he won our little wrestling match. He not only won, but won in a way that was wise beyond his years - with wit over brawn.

That's my boy.

Cameron the Comedian

My younger son, Cam, is only 22 months old, so he is just beginning to show his true personality. What I'm finding is that he's got a bit of a sparkle to him that I never would have imagined, considering that he is shy at the same time.

Just last night, when I got home from work, my little Cam greeted me like he normally does. As I sat on the couch, he jumped up on my lap, and noticed that I had gum in my mouth.

Before I could do anything about it, he had his entire little fist in my mouth and grabbed that gum.

He pulled it out of my mouth and popped it into his own, then looked me square in the eye and said

"Ha, ha" in a perfect Simpson's voice, and took off.

Do you think I could grab him fast enough to get that gum away from him? No way. He was outta there. Luckily, I got it away from him before he wore it in his hair.

There are so many stories that I've heard that I would love to tell, but there isn't enough room here to tell them all. And I'd be afraid I'd bore you.

You can't give too much of a good thing.

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