Herald Journal Columns
July 17, 2006, Herald Journal

My ‘to do’ list

After years of extensive research, we have finally proved that the male species has PMS.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is absolutely a 100 percent true statement.

Well, OK, there is no way that we could ever hear those oh-so-true words over the radio waves, but man, I am convinced that they’re true!

Have you ever been around a guy when he’s crabby for an excessive amount of time? It can be a pretty scary experience.

We can’t necessarily prove that men have PMS, but there is a thing called “Irritable Male Syndrome.”

Close enough.

In seventh grade, I became convinced that boys had PMS, just like girls, and I even wrote it on my list of things to do before I die.

Number 21: Prove to the world that boys have PMS.

Of course, I never really got much further than that on my quest, but eh, it’s OK.

My “list” was made in quite a serious manner; it had things like go to France and eat French bread, meet a vampire, and ask a random person to do the Hokey Pokey.

Mostly, things that probably can’t be done.

The things I want to do most on my list include traveling to places like Australia (where I’m supposed to learn to surf) or to Bora Bora Tahiti (where I’m supposed to get a room where the floor is clear and you can see the ocean).

I am also supposed to jump off a cliff into a waterfall and learn how to fly.

I’ve only done a few things on my list, like number 19, “steal a hubcap like they do in ‘Grease’.”

Well, OK, I didn’t actually steal a hubcap, I just found one on the side of a road while picking up trash, and it made me feel cool to say that I had “stolen” it.

So, I checked it off the list.

One of the things on my list is to ride the Wild Thing at Valleyfair.

“What? She hasn’t ridden the Wild Thing?! EVERYONE’S done that!!”

Yeah, I know, I know, I’m a chicken.

I’ve ridden the Corkscrew, and believe me, that was more than enough roller coaster for me.

Anyway, my goal is to get that one crossed off before I get old and wrinkly because let’s face it, that would just be an unpleasant experience. For both me and the poor person who gets stuck in front of me.

So, if you can convince me that going on the Wild Thing at Valleyfair will be a super good time, please feel free to try.

This list of mine has some very interesting things on it, I know. Some are practical, and others . . . not so much.

It is the result of a late night (and an early morning, for that matter) with some friends and some Mountain Dew.

Of course, that combination has never been good.

So, on my quest of checking everything off my list before I die, I ask you, “Would you like to do the Hokey Pokey?”

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