Ladies are not gentlemen

June 8, 2009

by Ivan Raconteur

It is the time of year when young people are flocking to the altar like lemmings in their haste to get themselves hitched.

They, of course, have no idea what they are getting into, which is why I feel compelled to offer some avuncular advice from the old curmudgeon.

This advice is directed mainly at the young men in the audience.

Ladies are not gentlemen.

That is to say, they don’t play by the same rules as we do.

When a woman wins an argument with a man, it is called a victory.

There is no word to describe a situation in which a man wins an argument with a woman, because this has never happened.

You see, when a man loses an argument, he accepts it and moves on. That is the rule. If, on the other hand, a woman is stymied in a debate, she merely considers it a temporary inconvenience.

There has been a marvelous fiction that has been carried down through the ages that says men are great warriors and women are not. There is not an ounce of truth in this.

Women are just a lot smarter than we are.

What many men don’t realize is that women have a secret weapon called strategy.

Women understand that if one engages in open combat, one risks defeat.

Women figured out the advantages of covert operations long before any man came up with the idea.

If a woman reaches an impasse in a discussion, she simply changes tactics.

I recently talked to a young woman who was on her way to pick up a new car. She readily admitted that it was the result of a two-year process designed to wear down her husband.

The poor beggar might just as well have given up the first time she casually said, “Honey, I have been thinking about getting a new car.”

He could have saved himself two years of presenting careful, reasoned explanations as to why they did not need a new car, and the result would have been the same.

Women are patient.

Men, on the other hand are impatient and are equipped with short attention spans.

That is why men often foolishly think they have won an argument. They assume, because the woman is no longer arguing with them, that the matter is resolved.

What they fail to realize is that she has simply moved on to another, more subtle technique, and is biding her time until more favorable conditions prevail.

This should not be interpreted as a criticism of women. Far from it. One has the utmost respect for women. Their methods may seem diabolical, but there is no denying that they get results.

If the US military were to replace all of its testosterone-charged male generals with females, our adversaries would likely pack up their things and go home, because they would realize that defeat was inevitable.

Women are nothing if not persistent.

They are masters at keeping their eyes on the ultimate goal while going about their daily business.

Like water torture, they slowly and methodically drip little hints and suggestions on a guy when he least expects it, until he eventually loses his will to resist.

Anyone who doubts the power of this technique need only take a look at the Grand Canyon of Arizona.

Young men might make the mistake that the beautiful young women to whom they have pledged their troth are fragile flowers that need protecting.

This simply isn’t true.

To understand the cunning nature of women, all one needs to do is listen to a conversation among two or more of them.

They share tips and strategies, and openly discuss their latest campaigns to control and “improve” the men in their lives.

Their level of confidence and superiority can be frightening.

Men must learn that it makes no difference at all who is wearing the britches; it is the person who has the strategy who is really running the show, and women have that in spades. They only let us think we are in charge sometimes because it is easier for them to manipulate us this way.

Remember, they are not playing by the same rules we are.

Ladies are much more sophisticated in their methods for getting what they want.

So, fellows, when the day arrives when you have a disagreement with the lady in your life (and it will), you have two choices.

You can argue about it and waste your energy stringing together all of the logical, sensible, practical reasons why you are right, in which case deprivation and misery will rain down upon you.

Or, you can go with the flow and do what your wife or girlfriend wants in the first place.

Resistance is futile, and it won’t make the slightest difference in the final outcome. Just ask any woman.