Earthquakes, Iranian style
April 26, 2010
by Ivan Raconteur

Those mischievous earth scientists have been misleading us again.

For years, they have been telling us that earthquakes are caused by plate tectonics (the movement of the plates that make up the earth’s lithosphere rubbing together along fault lines), and we believed them.

But now, thanks to a story that appeared in the New York times and many other major newspapers, we know the truth.

According to Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, a senior Iranian cleric, earthquakes are caused by women who dress immodestly and act promiscuously.

We should have known.

The law in the Islamic republics requires women to be covered from head to toe (which may be the real reason so many of their frustrated young men insist on blowing themselves up).

Well, it turns out that some women, especially rebellious young ones, have been going around wearing tight coats and even pulling their scarves back to reveal part of their hair.

Those little tramps. No wonder the clerics are upset.

Naturally, Sedighi concludes, God finds this offensive, and he is not going to put up with it.

Some people say that God created humans in his own image, but apparently, he doesn’t want anyone to see the results of his handiwork. At least not in the case of the women.

Now, to me, it seems like it ought to be the other way around. If anyone should have to cover themselves up, it should be the men. Women ought to be free to dress however they see fit. They have better fashion sense anyway.

That just won’t do, according to Sedighi. He seems to suggest that God doesn’t mind seeing a bunch of pot-bellied bearded, hookah-smoking men loitering around, but don’t let him catch a women dressing immodestly.

Sedighi suggests that God’s answer to this is to shake things up with an earthquake, and the creator is going to send more of them our way if this wanton behavior continues.

Old Sedighi is a pretty smart cookie. In addition to his ground-breaking explanation of earthquakes, he explained that women who do not dress modestly (in his estimation, dressing modestly means wearing a tent) “lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity, and spread adultery in society.”

I have been saying that for years, but no one believed me. Many’s the time I have been led astray by a scantily-clad female, but I have never been able to convince anyone that I was merely an innocent victim of their womanly-wiles. The wise Sedighi has finally cleared this up.

Well, if our friend Sedighi is right, and he probably is, Las Vegas is in for a whale of a shock, as are a few beach communities that cater to the spring break crowd. There are legions of immodestly dressed females wandering around in those places, so no doubt God is planning to unleash the mother of all earthquakes on them any day now.

Just to be on the safe side, I am going to avoid the beaches this year. I think I will spend my summer holiday in Amish country. It might not be very exciting, but I won’t have to worry about being struck down by an earthquake of Biblical proportions, just for hanging around too close to immodest women.

Relocating to escape the wrath that will be brought down against these trollops who dare to show their faces is not new.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has reportedly predicted that a quake is certain to hit Tehran. He has advised at least five million of the city’s 12 million residents to go somewhere else.

Sadeq Mahsooli, the country’s minister of welfare and social security, took a more moderate approach.

He said that prayers and pleas for forgiveness are the best ways to repel earthquakes.

Seismologists have been warning people for years that a major quake is likely to hit the Tehran area, but they have based this on the fact that the region sits atop many fault lines. They never mentioned it was because of women going out without covering their heads. They also failed to tell us that it is possible to repel earthquakes by asking for forgiveness.

I hope that Hillary Clinton and her cronies over at the US Department of State are paying attention to this.

We can learn a lot by listening to what people in other parts of the world say, and one of the things we can learn is that they don’t think the way we do.

Some of them have been doing things the same way for centuries, and they are not going to let science (or facts) interfere with their dogma.

This is good information to have when we are negotiating with other countries or trying to convince them to establish systems of government that are similar to ours.

Some of them might prefer to remain locked in the past, where things are so much simpler to explain.